Heartbreak

Everyone has had one heartbreak. Not necessarily from a person in the opposite sex. Not just the bf gf kind-heartbreak. But just from someone who used to be very special and very close to your heart. I said "used to be" because things might never be the same between the two of you now.

I've sort of divided the post-heartbreak stages of our lives because I'm someone who has gone through many a heartbreak, And by God's grace I have been able to overcome them all even during very hard times.

I'll be talking first from the side of a person who has been hurt. I'll also be covering the same topic from the point of the person who caused the heartbreak too. The "hurter".

Medically, this can be considered as a pathological condition. As in, it can have an acute (following a crisis event. Eg: a fight) or a chronic onset (like where you just grow distant and slowly never keep in touch anymore)

Whatever the case,

There will be a:

1. Shock phase- mostly seen in the acute condition. Where u wouldn't know what to do. Or say. If its a situation where you were at fault then there definitely wouldn't be anything to say at this point. You would only end up making the person all the more angry or hurt. Remember one thing though, it's always better to shut up.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Well maybe not an actual court of law. See, it may look like you lost the argument, but many a time when I look back into my life, I'm actually glad I never spoke back.

Most often you might be able to get out of it with your dignity intact.

I'm not saying that shutting up for every situation is going to help u. It's just that silence is a better option for Christians like us.

2. The hurt

Reality seems to set in. The memories flashback like crazy, sometimes so strong that you would start mumbling to yourself about how you could have responed. The whole conversation plays over and over again differently making you feel like an idiot - a pathetic loser. And you are soo hurt now. You don't want to talk to anyone. You would rather be alone in your room for a while.

3. Cry

Crying helps really. You feel better by the end of a 'moaning and wailing' session because you know it totally lets out all your feelings. Something I do during times like this, is take a sheet of paper and write. Just go on writing lengths and lengths about my feelings mainly addressed to God, arguing out my side of the story. This has been one of my major anger management techniques. In the end, I look at my masterpiece creation. It's a work of art. Imagine, all your sorrow, anger and bitterness poured compiled into a book of Lamentations. And then, in one dramatic move, shred them into tiny pieces to scatter in the wind (or well, just dump the whole lot into the bin). All gone. And it does work. You will definitely feel peace after this. Some prefer falling down on their knees to pray,crying their hearts out.. I prefer writing than talking because it hurts to talk (with an emotional lump so big in your throat) and also because the thoughts fly like crazy inside my head- it is hard to layer them out one by one. 

Any other ways to handle this situation ? 

Hang out with friends, yes this can help forget - temporarily. But you'll always have to battle it out on your own at some point right ?

4 Regret

This comes along usually around the same time as the hurt n crying. "Why did we become friends in the first place? Why did I love this person so much? Why did I allow the relationship to go this far?" If in a day, the time you spent talking to this person was more than even 40% of your total social time, then you'll observe that in the coming days you have a LOT of spare time. Congratulations! A lot of time to be alone, a lot of time to think and rethink the situation, play it over in your head. You might even think of solutions to get back even if your dignity is at stake just because you cannot bear the solitude and the silence. I'd like to call that a RELAPSE. Yes .. This is one of the toughest times that I've had to face.

Try keeping yourself near believers during this time. Your spiritual siblings. Even if it's a situation that they wouldn't understand completely, you should realize that you need fellowship to keep reminding you that it's not the end of the world.

5. Ego

The ego phase is when you have decided to move on to the other extreme of your character. The kind where nothing matters anymore and you don't care what's happening in that persons life although in your heart of hearts you wish for things to change. Would you want a small smile or a hi-bye kind of communication with such a person after this whole scenario? I guess the Ego phase depends on whether you have to meet this person again the next day and everyday after that. The emotion sort of aggravates if you see them anywhere around you. But shamelessly, out of the corner of your eye you notice the person is completely normal, no change what so ever. Actually because you are so hypersensitive at a time like this, you even have delusions that the person is happier now, more content. And well, it only makes u feel worse in the end.

I'll admit, it is hard for me to pretend I like someone. Ego is yet another defense mechanism that you can pick, to deal with your hurt till you are ready to face the world. Just be careful that you don't let the sun go down while you are still angry tonight. In your anger do not sin (Eph 4:26) Ask God to help you forgive. Even if you can't forget what happened- forgive. From now on, as many times as you want to be forgiven, you will have to learn to forgive too. During our hard times, all we can think of and remember are our bad times. So, try this for a change: focus on all the good. All the blessings, starting from an amazing family, provisions, spiritual wisdom, friends.. Everything one by one- I have literally counted my blessings at night till I lost count and dozed off. It works.

6. Gossips

Some people tend to retaliate with gossip. I'll admit I've done this too. Yes, i used to be a real bad person. Just so that I can get some sympathy, Some source of comfort. Yea, made the offender look like the bad guy. The most cruel person ever. Curtains close. At the end of the day, you would have set a forest on fire. Truthfully, the amount of damage that your tongue can cause is equivalent to a nuclear reactor doubling and tripling the explosions at every count. You'll never know how much disaster you would have caused with your statements,comments etc till it hits right back at u. It could take a day. It could take months. Maybe just enough time for you to forget what was it that you said. Funny part is, all along you would have been SO wrong. i learnt all this the hard way, and it is only because of God's abundant grace that i realized that His comfort was all that i ever needed. i found forgiveness at the foot of the cross and i was able to move on in life because of Jesus Christ. i always think twice before talking out loud now, because His Spirit controls me. Sooo,  

Be very careful about the words you say when you are hurt,angry and happy even.

At the height of emotions, our level of clear-headedness is zero. Never ever make promises during this time. Highly dangerous. Eg: the king Herod who was so happy on his birthday promised to offer ANYTHING to the little girl who danced in his presence. What did she ask him? Matt 14:6,7,8

Now talking it out with your spiritual mentor is different. Not mentorS. Just consult 1 person for your current problem. I have been able to find comfort in somebody just like that -It's someone who would totally understand your situation and give you support from the scripture as to how you should move on. That same person will also help you in prayer. It's best if its someone from the same sex. That's entirely my opinion. I don't have scriptural evidence for that. But I believe it is a very vulnerable time for us. Emotionally we are very weak and highly prone to attachment of any kind if we tend to share our feelings and thoughts. So it's best if it's sister-to-sister and brother-to-brother. That's all.

Remember, keeping a mentor has a side called accountability to it. If you ask a senior for support and prayers regarding something, you are actually giving her/him the right to meddle in that aspect of your life. To keep probing you and asking if everything's okay. Most people wouldn't like that. But remember, even if your mentor doesn't do all that, you are accountable to give a weekly report about how things are working out for you. She / he will be praying. So, they really need to know out of love, how you are doing. 

Now all this while, if you look back to the week after your crisis event you will realize that you would have spent a lot of time in prayer and  communion with The Lord. Which might be the only good thing that came out of all this! Most of the time, the constant praying and pleading with God, helped me forget every memory of that person and stopped me from contacting that person ( including the temptation to write an offending reply). It was enough to change me from being so dramatic and over reactive to this situation. And most of all, it kept reminding me never to expect anything from anyone. We only end up hurting ourselves more by doing so.

Now supposing u r "the Hurter",

The cause of all this. You are tired of this relationship. You feel the need to move on and you understand your priorities have changed. Or maybe it's just that you realized you will never be able to fulfill the promises that u made. Maybe circumstances are pushing you to the edge and you want to end it all so you can start over or be on your own for a while. Maybe you have been convicted about this relationship. It's taking ur time to be with The Lord. The person is only being another obstacle or a hindrance to your personal relationship with The Lord.

Just remember, there is never an easy way to say good bye. A lot of prayer is required before you deal with situations like this. If it's for the Lord and if it is so that you can come closer to the Lord- rapid action has to be taken. You cannot delay. And most often, only the radical measures work. Cutting yourself off completely. No more contact. No more last words or goodbyes. That would be like reasoning it out and creating a compromise which would bring you back to square one. I've done this. I've failed to do it too. But I've realized that it is important to lay aside everything that tangles you and stops you from growing in The Lord.

Bible examples of hurt:

Peter and Jesus.

I doubt if there's a greater example of hurt that could illustrate this. I've mentioned this part before where Jesus turned and looked straight at Peter. It's not mentioned anywhere else in the Gospels except in Luke. (22:61) because Luke got his most of his facts from Peter. It must have been the hardest thing ever for Peter to look at His face. The one with whom he spent everyday after leaving all. That would be almost 100% of his time, don't you think? They lived, walked, talked and ate together. They form an ideal example for best friends, hostel mates, unit mates all packed in one.

How did Jesus handle this hurt? Not a word. Not a single word.

No "I told u so", no display of anger and disappointment. He went on ahead with the plan and purpose for which He was sent for.

Samson and Delilah

A sad love story. Judges 16

Although there is no recorded interaction between these characters after the actual betrayal, we see that something extremely cruel. was required to bring Samson back to God. Even though it was the at the last hour.

Joseph and the cup bearer Gen 40:13,14

Joseph used to attend daily to both the chief cup bearer and the chief baker of the King of Egypt. I don't know if this should be a heartbreak. Although I do understand this as a chronic kind of one where u don't ever keep in touch , You drift away and choose to forget people who actually helped you out or once meant a lot to you.

Sometimes people say or do things that hurt you, but you have the God-given ability to love these people. None of us are excluded from depression and discouragement but we have a promise of hope in Jesus.

It can be quite normal to experience Hurt as a Christian, but there is always a way out. 
"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." (Psalm 42:5 NIV)

I read recently in one of Joyce Meyers books that: If you've been hurt and learned to overcome it, you have a valuable tool help others. God comforts us so we can comfort others. Here's the progression: We are hurt, we allow God to heal us, and we are ready to help others. Hurt, heal, help! It's a process that can literally change your life, and the lives of many others around you. It inspired me to do this study and I hope from now, you will be able to use your broken hearts too for His glory. 

#Martha